Delving into the conscious mindset and the power of positive psychology brings about many invaluable tools and functions that can help promote a healthy and balanced outlook on life. Remaining determined and positive in the face of adversity is something many of us try to emulate and most of us find inspiring in others. However, trying to remain constantly positive is not the answer to healthy and functioning personalities. Putting it bluntly, being happy and positive isn’t always the answer.
The pressure to be happy can sometimes leave some of us feeling inadequate, anxious and makes it harder to feel ok with ourselves. It also leads us to not being necessarily honest with ourselves about how we are feeling and perhaps addressing our emotions in an honest and open way. The constant craving to present our best selves to the world can lead to ingenuine characteristics and create a mounting onset of anxiety or even depression.
Theres a certain depth to positive psychology that needs to come from dedicated and deep seated security and this kind of resilience doesn’t come from being superficially optimistic when crisis strikes. Theres a difference to being realistic and resolute as opposed to ignoring emotions, plastering on a smile and covering up with buoyant and effusive happiness. But perhaps it is about finding a balance between these two reactions that we need to address in order to achieve a more positive outlook.
The myth of positive thinking is as a plaster on effect, that you can apply the principles of positive reinforcement generically to get better contentment and a positive perspective on life. Whilst positive self talk, motivational cue points and phrases of affirmations can be beneficial for some of us, unfortunately the blanket approach doesn’t work for everyone. When self esteem is low or self value is not present, these types of tools actually can do more harm than good, sending a person backwards into a hole of anxiety or depression because they are already lacking in confidence and in failing to be able to reinvigorate their positivity, this can layer on more guilt or feelings of inadequacy.
“If what you are trying to affirm is incongruent with a deeply held negative belief, then all that results is an inner struggle.”
Forcing yourself to think positively and be successful can actually incite an inner war between you and your subconscious. Forcing yourself to be resilient or be successful may incite the subconscious of the insecure individual to go seeking examples of all the times that you weren’t successful or didn’t achieve the goal in previous incarnations. It is said the minds limiting beliefs dwell in the subconscious mind and unless we directly impose our will at this level, superficial reinforcements that work on the conscious mind won’t give lasting benefit.
However, utilising and monitoring your beliefs and understanding your own self-talk is a good way of addressing your thoughts and keeping yourself accountable for your own contentment. The little phrases that pop into our head when we may be self analysing or being self defeating are an important script to be aware of and to target if we are trying to bring ourself to a better state.
So then how does one change thought? How do we change the behaviour? It’s not enough to suggest saying ‘stop thinking that or stop doing that’. Looking at the reasons or beliefs that might have led to a thought or an action is often a good way to start addressing our own inner critic or self saboteur. Self limiting beliefs are something that are at the forefront of each individual’s development and consequently the ability to achieve. Self belief is vital if we are going to strive for contentment. Establishing when we have beliefs that limit our ability to achieve or perhaps are standing in the way of our own success is sometimes a difficult leap to make but essentially a necessary one to ensuring we are addressing any actions that are not helping us to be content.
Acknowledgement is the first step. Hear what it is you are saying to yourself. Write it down. If you want to change negative thoughts or behaviour, you first have to acknowledge that you are having those thoughts or are indulging in that behaviour. Identifying these thoughts are occuring or the actions are being undertaken is an important first step. Catching yourself in the moment of saying ‘oh but you’re just not good enough’ and writing this down for yourself to look at analytically is an important first step.
Asking a better question may be the answer to changing the narrative. A 2010 study conducted by Senay, Albarracín & Noguchi from the University of Illinoi and South Mississippi, talk about declarative versus interrogative self-talk. Essentially asking ourselves is far more powerful than telling ourselves something when we wish to create successful end results. ‘Don’t eat the cookie’ vs ‘why do you want the cookie?’ Questions create the opportunity for possibility and even exploration. This approach helps to frame a response in a creative and inquiring way with curiosity as opposed to a fear response. This helps us to take more effective control of that which we have in our capacity as opposed to reacting out of fear.
For some of us, we are overly goal oriented. Forever focusing on the desire, or the dream or the product that we don’t allow ourselves to enjoy the moment we are in or the small victories that may be contributing to change. Change is not a linear timeline. It doesn’t follow a logical progression and it can weave and double back on itself so often that we are sometimes caught in a cycle of emotions that are forever away from the resolution that is the goal. We are so goal orientated that we will only see the failure in each attempt that doesn’t achieve the goal.
Reframing statements that acknowledge the work that we HAVE done as opposed to all the work that is yet to come can be a great way to address self limiting beliefs. Any statement that helps point you in the right direction of your goal is a worthy pursuit. For example, telling yourself that every day you are making better decisions about your money spending habits, is helping you to make better financial decisions and also put yourself in a better financial situation. SO you haven’t hit the goal yet but you are working on the steps. This combats the self limiting belief of ‘You can’t handle money’. It’s an easy way to re-trigger the positive aspect of what you are trying to achieve. This is better than staring at yourself in the mirror and saying “I AM A MONEY SAVER. I AM A MONEY SAVER”
SO whilst wishing yourself to be the contented and high acheiver can be a benefit, sometimes we have to delve a little deeper into the equation to summon up deep seated and meaningful reasons that help us to garner resolute and positive prowess. You can’t always fake it til you make it and sometimes we need to do some good ol self reflection to flush out our inner saboteur and achieve that positive and productive person that many of us aspire to.
